I believe that in the introduction to this blog that I may have set my viewpoints straight, and why I think the way that I do. So this section will be more to talk about the reasons behind why I became this way. To be honest, when I was younger, as I mentioned previously, I really wanted to believe, which made me understand why people do. You see, my childhood wasn’t a good one, and I faced some really rough times from the hands of those who were supposed to keep me from them. So I turned to the deities, waiting to find out for real that someone out there was watching what was happening to me, that there would be some big smiting as retribution.
Of course, nothing ever came. My parents were standard Christians, and so the bible was readily available to me. I read the entire book in my many days spent locked away in my room. Only to find myself with more questions than answers. Why is it such a preaching of love when there is so much hate? Why can such a loving and benevolent being just jump straight to genocide when his own creation annoys him? So many questions like these rattled around in my little brain, as I sat there on Sundays listening to how much this religion is one for peace and love and unity, and yet did so much to prove the opposite.
It wasn’t until my teens that I started to learn about the influence of man. The men who wrote the bible, the men who subverted text to use as a means of control, the men who adopted the religion only to twist it to their own means and have as a tool to create their own futures for their people. The men, who were fallible. These were the words we were reading. Not something cast down from the heavens and magically appearing on page, but men who wrote, and men who had agendas. This soured a lot of the religious text for me, and I began to look into other locations. I studied other religions for almost four years in my late teens, trying to find out if someone, anyone got it right.
Of course, I couldn’t find anything that really meshed with what I believed naturally. This led to a lot of confusion, as my mind at the time figured that we all had to believe in something, some form of religion. That without one, you were less of a person. These were the ideas that were planted in my mind by those who did believe in something, and made me feel lesser because of it. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned that I was free to believe in whatever I wanted, even if that was nothing, but at the time it was something that was really hard to wrap my head around, and I feel is one of the major problems in religions to begin with.